Resolving Unwanted Relationship Patterns

Resolving Relationship Patterns

Here’s a way of dealing with patterns with other people – patterns you don’t want in your life anymore:


Because our experience of life changes (dramatically) according to our perspective, and our interpretations, we can change our “reality” by changing how we choose to look at things…


Imagine life is a massive (very convincing) role-play game. And as we go through this game, we pick up quests from other players. But, we have the choice of whether to accept a quest or not. For example, if I find myself in the frustrating reaccuring pattern of people letting me down. I can choose to see that pattern as one of the quests of the game – dealing with people letting me down, and finding a way to resolve that pattern.


I can accept the quest by putting my focus on that situation and trying to find ways of not feeling the same feelings, trying to find ways to not be let down… etc.


Or….. I can decide not to accept the quest, and choose to not see it as being let down, putting my focus elsewhere. I can choose which quests to accept and which to ignore.


Here’s an example:


Peter has an issue with David at work. David is rude to Peter and speaks to him with disrespect. This really gets to Peter – well, it would get to most of us, but Peter has had previous experience with this. He seems to always be in situations where someone is disrespectful to him. Even… (watch this! ;)…) … back to when he was a kid and his parents were dismissive and spoke to him with disrespect. That feeling is so familiar; he’s had it all his life. That feeling of unworthiness, being stupid and inferior… that feeling of frustration and resentment…..


Now, Peter could choose to stand up for himself – he could put his foot down and tell David that he won’t be spoken to like that. He could come up with some witty come-backs and put-downs, he could ask to be transferred to a different department, he could resign and get another job… and so on.


This would be one way of doing it. And this would be thinking “within the game” and accepting the quest.
Or, Peter could choose to change the situation from “outside the game” by working on the inside of himself  so that he doesn’t have to keep experiencing the pattern in the future. In other words, he could recognize that everything outside is a reflection of inside, and he could spend some time working on self love – and of course, using the process of the unconditional love exercises is the fastest way to do this.


And then…. he would see the changes happen on the outside – Automatically, without having to do any of the standing up for himself, witty come-backs etc. Changing how he relates to himself (using unconditional love exercises or whatever other method he prefers) will result in a complete change of his experience with David – whether David’s attitude actually changes, or he’s just not around Peter when he’s in that state… or whether he moves departments or companies – the possibilities are endless – whatever the details, Peter will no longer experience that disrespect.


I see that as the difference between thinking from within the game, and thinking from outside the game. Solving problems from within the constraints of the physical human experience, and solving problems from within ourselves. And I switch between the two depending on the situation and the people – but it’s Always a choice now. :)


I know that when I am thinking from within the game (in other words, seeing things as separate from me, and treating them as such), that a) I am consciously choosing that perspective in the moment, and b) the quicker, more effective way to make changes is by thinking outside the game (making the changes from within me). And sometimes I like to play the game, so I choose to think and act from within the game… and sometimes I want to change something quickly and so I use “God mode” (which is, I believe, the term used in computer gaming for when you have all the resources and can play with all the power, not restricted by the challenges used for normal player mode) – and so I use the unconditional love process. 😉


To use the quest analogy on the example above, again it’s just a different way of looking at it. Peter could choose to see the whole disrespect thing as a quest. And he could either decide to take the quest – take on the challenge of solving this disrespect thing, figuring out what to say and do to get rid of this pattern…..


Or, he could choose to not take this quest. He could, in his head, say “I’m not going to take this quest” and he could then refuse to see what David does or says as disrespectful. He could pretend that David is speaking to him just normally, and respond and react accordingly…. and eventually, what he’s choosing to see is what will become his reality – one way or another – and he will then be able to turn his focus to only those quests he wants to take on. 😉


When you consistently respond to someone as if they are behaving the way you want to behave, they will usually eventually begin behaving that way!